#3 As a Child

My memory of childhood is a little spotty. I think I blocked quite a bit out for my own sanity.
I remember living in a specific trailer park, across from a gas station my mother worked at. My father was kind of in and out of our lives. He walked out on us countless times, and I remember him cheating on my mother, and raping my mother at night while I lied awake in my bed. But he had some sort of hold over my mother, she always took him back every time. I'm not sure if it was because she loved him or feared him. I lean more towards fear, she isn't exactly mentally the strongest individual.
I started pre-k at a primary school. I only remember going for a few weeks. I think it was then that we moved to a new state. We moved in with my mother's sister, just my mother, me, and my 2 sisters. I believe it was to get away from my father's harassment. My mother had decided to leave him for good. I remember being there for Christmas. But I'm pretty sure we moved back to our home state before Easter, my mother went back to the jerk.
I think this way when we moved in with my paternal grandparents. At the time I kind of liked my grandparents, and I loved the neighborhood. We were living on a circular road, so I would ride my bike around the whole circle, around 2 miles. There were some kids just a few doors down that I would play with. I had started elementary school and rode the bus with them. I didn't know it at the time, but it was a foster family.
At some point we moved to a new trailer park. We stayed in that trailer until I was 13. My father lived with us there for a while. I think it was around this time that my father walked out on us, and ended up in Pennsylvania, a long way from home. He had a baby by another woman. I found out later in life that he supposedly raped the woman. I don't doubt it.
But when I was in third grade my parents split up again and filed for divorce. I wasn't exactly crushed, but apparently one of my sisters was. I'm not sure about the other sister.
 I'm not sure where my father lived at first. But I remember 2 houses that he stayed in for a while. Eventually we had to go stay with him every other weekend. My oldest sister didn't have to go, I think she was over 18, because she's 10 years older than me. The entire time, my father was still molesting me every other weekend.
I remember my mother getting frustrated because every time I came home, I was an angry brat for days. She never seemed to understand why. I would say that it was because I didn't want to come home. But I definitely didn't want to be staying with my father. I think I was angry about what was happening to me. And even more angry that my mother didn't seem to know what was going on and wasn't protecting me.
Now I'm getting upset, so I think I'm done for the night...

Second Post- The Very Beginning

Warning, This post gets a little graphic. If at any point you begin to feel too uncomfortable to continue, I understand.

I remember the day I was born as being a beautiful sunny day... Just kidding, of course I don't remember that! My first childhood memory was when I was supposedly around 3 years old. I only know I was around 3 from asking my mother.
Growing up my biological father was a long distance truck driver. Before I was old enough to go to school, sometimes I would go on the road with him because my mom had to work, and my older 2 sisters were in school.
My first memory of my life is of my biological father molesting me in the sleeper cab of his 18 wheeler. Yeah, life got off to a great start.
I remember it was snowing outside. We stopped at a Flying J truck stop for the night. We went inside to eat, I even remember my father ordering coffee and I had chocolate milk. We went back to the truck to go to sleep, or so I thought. Normally I slept in the bed in the truck, and my father slept up front. But this particular night, he said we should cuddle up since it was so cold. I immediately felt uncomfortable.
This is my first real memory of it happening, but because I distinctly remember feeling uncomfortable, even before anything had happened, it leads me to believe that it had happened before, but I just can't remember it.
I was lying with my back against his chest. My father began rubbing his penis on my butt, through my panties. I remember understanding what he was doing. I remember being afraid to say anything. I lied there and pretended to be asleep already. I remember this going on for quite a while. Then he put his hands inside my panties.
I don't remember anything past that. Maybe I subconsciously blocked it out. Maybe I was just too young so the memory is hazy. Either way, I don't exactly want to search my brain and think hard enough to remember what happened after that.
Some things are better left unknown.

First Post

Here goes nothing. I decided to start this little blog as my own outlet for my frustrations. Sort of a public diary of sorts that I'm willing to let the entire world in on. Funny how as a pre-teen I kept my diary under lock and key, hidden under my dresser, yet now I'm going to let my diary be viewed by the whole world wide web.
Lately I have been thinking a lot about my past. Perhaps this is because I am now embarking on a brand new journey, being married. I've been pondering how all of the things in my past have come together to bring me to the place I am at, and make me the person I am today.
Maybe this little blog will inspire somebody who is going through a tough time in their life. Or maybe it will just give someone a good laugh at my expense. But hopefully either way, it will give me a chance to get things off my chest and onto paper... well, not really paper, but you get the point.
I'm not exactly living the kind of life everyone aspires to. I'm not highly successful, I'm not wealthy. I'm a wife and a working mom. We don't own a fancy car or even our own house, and we are pretty much broke. But I'm happy and I love my life the way it is, and that's the most important of all. After all, life is a journey, and mine is far from finished. It's been a tough journey at times, but it could have been worse. In the end, it's been a reasonably rough journey thus far, and totally worth it.